Adult Motherless Daughters: Mothers and Daughters

What is Motherloss?

An article about the effects of a daughter losing her mother. The loss of a mother is never easy, but it can be devastating.

Motherloss is, in part, the absence of the maternal parent, through some form of loss. Some experience motherloss through death, some through physical separation or emotional separation. Others experience motherloss through mental illness, abandonment, neglect or abuse.

When adult women lose their mother, there is a sense of expectancy, as it is a natural part of the life cycle process. When a young girl loses her mother, there is a shift internally. She begins to try to identify and define that part of self which is feminine and maternal, that which will make up a large part of her eventual identity. She must try to do so alone.

For the girls who do not have a mother figure to assist them, there can be a radical difference in the way their personality develops, which can impact every developmental milestone into adulthood. Mothers generally provide a secure framework out of which self-identity is formed. When this is removed from a young girl's life, there is an early maturation process that takes place. What can sometimes be compromised are other necessary developmental building blocks, such as self-esteem, self-identity, peer and age appropriate developmental skills, as well as intimacy, attachments, perceptions of adequacy and values.

The loss of a parent as an adolescent affects each individual differently, however, the effects can last a lifetime if not addressed. Sometimes it can be as subtle as recurring dating issues or even typical daily conversation abilities. Sometimes it can be as profound as being able to communicate with your own children, or worse, attaching to them. In rare occasions, it may cause a trauma-like state, causing the individual to block out much of the undesired or painful memories. In this situation, the person may not be able to function in areas well with mild to severe difficulty in many areas of life and no seeming reason for any of it. Too many times these individuals are lumped together in categories that would leave others to presume instability, troubled lives, or inability to perform 'normal' functions. Often, this only serves to exclude them from perceived 'healthy' peers, which only exacerbates the already existing issues. We call this comorbidity, and this is the ripple in the pond that reaches far and deep, even if the surface only looks slightly rippled.

In therapy, the focus is on the normal transition from child to teen and teen to adult, when tempered with motherloss. This process brings out natural developmental milestones that are necessary for daughters to become a woman who is independent of her motherloss experience. There is an integration of her experiences, a self that is independent of her loss, but not her past. If the daughter does not take the opportunity to work through her motherloss, there is a very good chance that, as her physical body ages, the wounded daughter inside will not.